Collaborating With Your Ex to Get Through the Divorce

Divorce is often accompanied by conflict, bitterness, and emotional pain. When your marriage ends, it’s easy to get caught up in all of the negative feelings and let them dictate the entire process. Those feelings can get in the way of successfully communicating with your ex. But even though it might be the last thing you want to do, collaborating with your ex during a divorce can make the divorce process smoother and less stressful for both parties. This approach reduces the emotional and financial toll often associated with contentious divorces. By working together, you can focus on finding solutions that are in the best interest of you and any children involved. Collaborating with anyone can be challenging, but it is especially challenging with an ex. Here are the ways to collaborate with your ex and smoothly get through a divorce. 

Get the Right Mindset

Divorce is an emotional process. It can be difficult to get through this process without the right mindset. For many folks, this means getting a therapist or other professional to help deal with strong emotions. It is important to focus on the bigger picture. Instead of getting lost in petty arguments, think about the long-term impact of your actions, especially if you share children with your ex. You also need to separate your personal feelings from the practical matters at hand. You can express your personal feelings to a therapist or trusted friend, but keeping your interactions with your ex focused on the legal aspects of divorce can help you navigate the process more smoothly.

Decide How You Will Communicate

It is not uncommon for marriages to break down due to failures in communication. The divorce process can be a challenging time to start communicating, but effective communication is the cornerstone of any collaborative effort. First, you will want to decide how to communicate. This could be through email, text, or a dedicated co-parenting app. You also want to set boundaries on when and how to communicate with one another. Be clear and concise with your ex. Be straightforward about your needs and expectations. You want to avoid vague statements, as well as any insults or passive-aggressive comments. This might mean communicating certain things during a short call or in-person visit. You should also have a plan for what to do if your emotions start to run high. A good plan when things are getting heated might be to tell your ex that you need to take a step back from the conversation and going to a different space where you can regroup. Some people find that breathing exercises help them to regain a sense of calm and clarity before returning to a potentially tense conversation. If communicating with your ex is very difficult or you feel unsafe communicating with your ex, you can have your attorney communicate with your ex’s attorney to provide more space between you and your ex.

Focus on Solutions, Not Problems

During a divorce, it can be easy to get caught up in who’s to blame or who’s right. This mindset hinders collaboration. Instead of focusing on past grievances, shift your focus to finding solutions. This doesn’t mean ignoring issues but rather addressing them in a way that moves you forward. Collaboration also requires compromise. Be willing to give a little to reach an agreement that works for both of you. It’s not about winning or losing but rather finding a solution that works for both parties, even if it may not give both of you 100% of what you want.

Be Patient

It is unlikely that your relationship broke down overnight. Repairing it will also not happen overnight. It takes time to work through your emotions and the legal and practical aspects of divorce. You need to allow time for adjustment. Understand that both you and your ex will need time to adjust to your new roles and routines. Be patient with each other as you navigate this transition. Celebrate all the small wins. Collaboration doesn’t mean everything will go perfectly. There will be bumps along the way. Celebrating your small victories and progress, even if it’s just a productive conversation or a peaceful exchange can be a great way to focus on the good.

Think About the Positives

While your marriage may be ending, it’s important to acknowledge the positive aspects of your relationship, especially if you share children. This shared history can be a foundation for a respectful and collaborative post-divorce relationship. You should also try to visualize a positive outcome. Picture what a successful collaboration looks like. Whether it’s a peaceful co-parenting relationship, a fair division of assets, or simply a sense of closure, having a clear vision can help guide your actions to set the stage for an even brighter future.

Try to Empathize

Thinking about your ex’s feelings is probably the last thing on your mind when going through a divorce. However, understanding and acknowledging your ex’s feelings can help you better understand their perspective and motivations. This does not mean that you have to agree with them, but showing empathy can foster a more cooperative atmosphere. Consider the challenges that they may be facing and how other factors in their life may be contributing to such challenges.

Learn How to Handle Disagreements

Disagreements are inevitable. It’s how you deal with them that matters. First, agree to disagree on certain things. Move forward without letting the disagreement derail the entire process. Always use “I” statements. Rather than framing something as “You did…” you can instead say, “I feel concerned that you…” This technique typically makes the listener less defensive. If a discussion becomes too heated, it’s okay to take a break and revisit the topic later. Sometimes, a little distance can help both parties approach the issue with a clearer mind.

Seek Mediation When Necessary

Despite your best efforts, sometimes collaboration just isn’t possible. If that’s the case, then mediation or more structured forms of separation can be valuable tools. A mediator is a neutral party who can help both sides come to an agreement. They can facilitate discussions and ensure that both parties’ voices are heard. Mediation sessions typically focus on specific issues, such as dividing assets, setting up a parenting plan, or addressing other concerns. This focus can help streamline the process and avoid getting bogged down in unrelated matters. If you do not feel safe communicating with your ex at all, then you can have your attorneys discuss matters on your behalf and make efforts to reach an agreement through them.

Reach Out to an Experienced Divorce Lawyer 

Experienced divorce lawyers understand the challenges of working together with your ex to get through a divorce. Our team here at O’Connor Family Law can help you develop strategies to speak with your ex or speak with your ex on your behalf. While divorce is often a contentious process, the right divorce lawyer can help make it easier by facilitating communication and completing the process so you can move on with your life. Contact us today to learn how we may be able to help you navigate the Massachusetts divorce process.